My fill of you
by galindaby
Summary: Another little dispute about immortality... With a happy ending! Just for your information: I assume that Jace and Sebastian will disappear after the end of CoFA. At least for a while. So read and enjoy!


_I used to only write fanfictions for Harry Potter, but as I reread the first three books of the Mortal Instruments (and added City of Fallen Angels, which I had somehow managed to miss being published half a year ago), I discovered a new pairing for my literary outpurs. So here goes my first Malec-fic: Be warned, it probably won't stay the only one and I adore writing romance with horribly soppy plots and tearful monologues – and dialogues, and thoughts... - well, have your way with it and review :)_

**My fill of you**

Alec sat down on the steps in front of Magnus's apartment with a sigh. He knew he should probably be staying at the institute, what with Jace gone and Sebastian's body disappeared. Isabelle was desperate, Clary out of her mind and his mother – well, his mother wasn't easily bothered as of lately, but the loss of another one of her children definitely belonged to the things that _did _bother her.

And, to be honest, Alec simply couldn't stand that atmosphere any longer. He knew he was probably being selfish by taking refuge at Magnus's, but he couldn't help it. That was and would always be the one place he wanted to be. With Magnus. Wherever that was.

It wasn't as if there had been much for him to do at the institute, anyway. Isabelle kept to herself when she was most depressed and he knew for a fact she wouldn't let him in. As she hadn't when they had lost Max. He had seen it in her eyes, the same lost expression, the questions in her eyes. _Why him? Why now? Why us?_

And Alec didn't have answers to any of those questions.

His mother, on the other hand, was too far gone since Max's death. He could never reach her. It was as if she hadn't been able to hear him ever after that night. And with his father gone, too, there was nothing he could say to make her feel better. Alec knew that things were anything but right between his parents. Not only now, there had been signs of doom before.

He was fairly sure that Isabelle knew. Mayrise had always confided in Isabelle more than she would in her sons. Alec couldn't blame her for that. Well, except for the fact that ever since the day Mayrise had pulled her daughter along with her to have a 'girls' talk', as she had called it, Isabelle had had a very unhealthy sight on things such as love and trust.

As opposed to Clary, who had given her everything to Jace almost the moment they had met, only to have him snatched away from her again and again, one way or another. It was cruel to see how others had used their love. And not only that kind of love. They had used Clary's love for her mother, Simon's love for Clary, Luke's love for Jocelyn. The Lightwood's trust in their friend's guest.

Considering it from this point of view, falling in love was a very stupid thing to do, especially in their current situation. Though, on the other hand, if Clary wouldn't love her family so much, there would be no way Luke and Jocelyn could console her until they knew what had happened to Jace and where Sebastian had gone to. Alec was rather positive that Valentine's son was no longer dead.

And if there would be no more love in this world, then Alec wouldn't be able to run to Magnus whenever he felt he couldn't take it any more. He sighed once more. Maybe it was a sign of weakness that he always ended up here, day after day. Maybe he should just move in with his favourite warlock, seeing that he obviously couldn't make it two days in a row without him. He had opened up to Magnus and now he felt vulnerable and fragile.

And, he had to admit it, a bit stupid. There wasn't much to know about Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane knew all of it. Well, most of it, anyway. But he, Alec, knew barely anything of Magnus's past. Perhaps Magnus was right in claiming that it shouldn't matter and that they should concentrate on what they had right now. But then again, how long was right now? Magnus would live, well, forever. That was, if he didn't get himself killed in all that Shadowhunter business he had been pulled into lately. Which was mostly Alec's fault.

Alec, on the other hand, wasn't immortal. He would die someday, leaving Magnus behind to look for someone else to love. And Alec couldn't honestly say that he looked forward to that day. He knew that what he felt for Magnus would last forever. How long his personal forever might be, there would be no one else. There was no denying it.

But no matter how many times Magnus assured him that there wouldn't be someone else for him after Alec, either, Alec just couldn't bring himself to believe it. As much as he hated the idea of Magnus falling in love with someone else and forgetting him, he didn't want to have to imagine him alone for the rest of eternity. The only way he felt he could face was becoming immortal himself, no matter how painful that would be.

Despite his repeated confirmations that he loved Alec and wanted him more than anything else in this world, Magnus outright refused to even think about making his boyfriend immortal, though. Alec could only imagine one reason for this determination: Whatever he said, Magnus didn't want to spend eternity with him. He obviously couldn't bear the thought of having Alec by his side for the rest of his life. Maybe he already missed the variety of his old life and just waited for Alec to grow old and deliver him a reason to break it off.

Before Alec could further follow this train of thought, a tall figure appeared at the end of the street. It had to be Magnus returning from the institute, where Mayrise had handed Jace's personal things over so that Magnus could track him. Alec proved to be right when the person approaching crossed under a street lamp, illuminating Magnus's black hair, its usual spikes hanging low.

Immediately, Alec got up from the steps and turned to his boyfriend.

"And, have you found anything?"

"No, nothing at all. No trace of either one of them."

"You look tired. Are you all right?"

Magnus offered him a small smile.

"I'll survive. How are you? You didn't return to the institute."

"Yeah, well, I didn't think I could stand the atmosphere there. You know, with Izzy and Mom..."

Alec avoided Magnus's eyes and stared intently at the floor.

"It's okay, Alexander."

Magnus's tone was soothing and Alec couldn't help but feel that he understood. Magnus always understood. Well, he had had eight centuries to become acquainted with almost every situation and emotional state, after all.

"Do you mind if I stay with you?"

"Of course not."

They climbed the stairs to his apartment in silence. Alec could tell by the way his boyfriend moved that Magnus was completely exhausted.

"Magnus?"

"Yes?"

The word came out a bit slurry and the warlock swayed a bit as he fumbled with his keys, apparently not able to open the door with magic any more.

"Let me do this." Alec grabbed the keys and opened the door within seconds. "You should lie down for a while. You look like you're going to faint any minute."

Magnus wanted to wave Alec's worries away, but didn't quite succeed, as his hands were shaking badly. With a sigh, he followed the advice and let himself fall on the couch, closing his eyes immediately. Alec had rarely seen him this tired. He seemed to have tried really everything to find Jace and Sebastian.

Carefully, Alec sat down next to Magnus, watching him closely. That exhausted, he looked much older than he usually did. It reminded Alec of all the years Magnus had spent on this world without him. Years Alec could only hear about, that was, if Magnus decided to tell him. There had been so many places during their trip, places his boyfriend had seen in the past, had met friends in, lovers. He had seen things Alec could hardly imagine.

Though it was only when they had been forced to return that Alec had really thought about that part of his past. Everything had been so surreal after they had come back from Idris, Alec had felt as if nothing could stain their love once he had confirmed it to the world.

But then Camille had appeared out of nowhere, causing him to doubt their relationship. Magnus was eight hundred years old, what could he possibly want from an eighteen year old teenage Shadowhunter who had never been outside of New York, apart from Idris maybe? Compared to the things Magnus had seen in his long life, Alec felt trivial, unimportant, unworthy. He wasn't exciting or colourful or gorgeous, like the people the warlock had been with before. He often lacked words when he had something important to say.

When he looked down into Magnus's face, he thought back to his encounter with Camille and asked himself whether he shouldn't mention it, anyway. Even if she should return and show him a way to become immortal, what use would it be when Magnus didn't want him to be? When he would turn his back on him? There wasn't a chance in hell that Camille knew a way to immortality Magnus didn't and if the latter didn't want Alec to be at his side forever, then it wasn't worth the effort.

A sad smile tugging at his mouth, Alec reached out to gently tuck a strand gone astray behind his boyfriend's ear. Magnus stirred and groggily smiled up at Alec. His expression faltered when he saw the look in his eyes, though.

"Alec? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Magnus frowned. Alec definitely _wasn't _fine. Unconsciousness would have to wait another few minutes.

"No, you're not. There's something bothering you. I can see it in your eyes."

Almost without noticing it, Alec turned his eyes away from Magnus.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You should get some sleep."

"Sleep can wait until I know what's bothering you."

"Magnus, I-"

"Alec. Just tell me."

Alec heaved a big sigh and decided that it would have to be worth the risk.

"Back when we were fighting Lilith's servants... Camille was there. She said she knew a way to make me immortal and would tell me if I cut the chains tying her to the building. But then Izzy found me and Camille was gone." Alec took another deep breath, forcing his eyes to lock with Magnus's. "Magnus, is there a way to make me immortal? Please, tell me that she has been lying."

Exhausted – and not only physically – Magnus closed his eyes and massaged his temples with his fingertips.

"She hasn't been lying, Alexander. If I really wanted to, I guess there would be more than one way to strip you off your mortality."

"Other than becoming a vampire?"

"Other than becoming a vampire."

"And I wouldn't have to drink blood or, I don't know, inject demon blood or something? I could become immortal just like that?"

Unnerved, Magnuus opened his eyes again only to roll them at Alec. Honestly, he could be just as bad as his unsuspecting clients.

"Alex, love, I fear you don't understand the workings of magic. I can't just make you immortal like I can make a cup of coffee appear. Turning someone immortal is a big deal of magic. Something that requires all from the one performing it and probably even more from the one it is performed upon. If only the tiniest thing goes wrong, one of us could die, or maybe even both of us. And it will hurt more than you can imagine."

"Do you know anyone who has been turned immortal?"

Magnus resisted the urge to roll his eyes again at Alec's enthusiasm. The boy didn't have the slightest idea what he was getting himself into.

"I do. And they have been begging on their knees for death to come once the ritual had started."

"I can pull myself together..."

"Alec, no! You can't just pull yourself together in the face of such an amount of pain. And I most certainly won't agree to let you go through this. No way."  
>"But why not? Why don't you want me to become immortal? Do you even want to stay with me for the rest of my mortal life?"<p>

Shocked, Magnus brought his shaking hands up to Alec's beautiful face, trying to make the boy look at him. But the Shadowhunter still avoided his gaze, tears forming in his eyes.

"Alec, we already had that conversation. Of course I want you with me. Forever, if it were possible." He ignored Alec's try to interrupt him and continued. "No, Alec, whatever you may think, making you immortal is not an option. Firstly, there is the ritual and I assure you, it's neither very aesthetic, nor comfortable. If it even works out and we're not killed. Secondly, you have no idea what being immortal really means."

"Then explain it to me. Explain why you don't want me to be at your side forever, if it's not because you don't love me that way."

Magnus gasped and stared disbelievingly at his boyfriend. He thought about a snide remark to such a bad joke when he saw the desperation in Alec's eyes and realised that the boy honestly believed in what he was saying. His heart constricted painfully at the idea of never being able to convince Alec fully of the extent of his love for him.

Not knowing what to do to make him see what he really felt, Magnus grasped for Alec's hands and held them in silence until the young Shadowhunter would look at him, tears in his heavenly blue eyes.

"Alexander, immortality is not what it appears to be. Believe me, you won't enjoy watching your family die one after the other. You won't enjoy seeing them grow old, have children. You won't enjoy losing most of your friends to death, only to make new ones who will also die. You won't enjoy noticing how little human lives really mean, how everything comes to life only to die again."

"But I would have you. And that's the only thing that matters to me.", Alec whispered, only barely audible. Magnus had heard him nonetheless.

"Alex, believe me, I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I would do anything to be able to spend eternity with you. But not that. I won't ruin you for the sake of my own selfish needs. I don't want to see you corrupted by time."

"Time didn't corrupt you."

"Of course it did, love. It always does. Do you think Camille has always been that way? Do you think I have always been in need of glitter and make-up to feel I'm still part of this life?"

Alec's eyes widened in surprise.

"You're probably more part of this life than I am! Of course you don't need the glitter and that other stuff!"

Magnus smiled at his lover, his features softened with tenderness.

"Of course I don't need it. Because I met you. It's not important to go with fashion or time, it's important to find your constant. You are my constant, Alexander, you are what makes me feel alive and real like nothing and no one else ever has. The most extravagant clothing couldn't make me feel better in my own skin than you do. Not even the newest Armani suit. I am only ever really myself when I'm with you. For the first time in centuries."

"Really?"

"Really. It's hard not to shut yourself away when everyone you know tends to leave you alone sooner or later. And then you came along and all my snobby warlock attitude couldn't protect me from falling for you. Hard, I should add. Very hard indeed."

"How hard?" A smirk tugged at Alec's lips and even though he did his best to suppress it, he failed miserably.

"So hard I really have no idea what I am to do without you. But don't mistake that for a yes. I refuse to make you immortal. I don't want to see you break. And you would. Often. Every time you let someone in and that someone would leave you behind in this war-torn world."

"Mag-"

"No, Alec. Believe me, if there was a way I could make myself mortal, I would do that. I don't want immortality any more. I've had enough of it for centuries. And now that I finally found what I've been looking for, I'd more than gladly age and die with you."

"But is it that impossible? I mean, if there are ways to turn a mortal immortal... Couldn't you just reverse the ritual?"

"Alec, you don't understand. You could be made immortal. You're Nephilim and angels are immortal. Part of it is in your blood. But I'm part demon. Turning me mortal would at the very least mean that I'd lose my magic. And considering that no one has ever been light-headed enough to try it beforehand, we don't even know if stripping me of that part of myself wouldn't simply mean my death."

Shocked, Alec turned his hands so that he was the one holding the warlock's madly shivering ones now.

"I'd never ask that of you!"

"What, to die for you? Because I very dearly hope you know that I would. Any time."

"I wouldn't ask that of you, either, but what I meant was that I'd never ask you to do something that would strip you off your magic. It's so much part of you. It would be like asking Jace to stop being a Shadowhunter. You're perfect the way you are and I don't want to change a thing about you."

"Not even the fact that I tend to kick you out of bed while turning in sleep?" Magnus grinned at him, white teeth gleaming in the moonlight streaming through the tall windows.

"Not even that. I wouldn't feel right without all those bruises. And I would definitely miss your way of making up for it in the morning."

At that, the warlock laughed silently.

"Ah, I knew it. I bet you only pretend to have fallen out of bed half of the time only to make me feel guilty and have sex with you."

"Because you wouldn't have sex with me anyway, even if I wouldn't make you feel guilty for kicking me out of our bed? Which you actually do two times out of three, I might add."

"You've come a long way, Alexander."

"What do you mean?"

"You just mentioned having sex with me and didn't blush."

Immediately, said blush returned on the Shadowhunter's pale cheeks.

"Magnus, don't make fun of me. I don't know about you, but I thought we were having a serious conversation."

The laughter died on the warlock's lips.

"We do. Alec, you just said you'd never ask me to do anything that would result in me being stripped off my magic. What do you think the Clave would do to an immortal Shadowhunter announcing that he's going to spend eternity with a male warlock?"

Alec looked down at the floor. He hadn't really thought that far.

"Alec, they would strip you off your Marks. And they're part of you, just as my magic is part of me. You're a Shadowhunter and you never could be anything else. How do you expect me to ask you to give your whole life up?"

"But Magnus, you _are _my life. By the Angel, I'm a Shadowhunter. We're raised to expect our parents and friends and siblings to die any minute. You never know if they return. I think I could handle their deaths if I could only spend eternity with you."

Magnus took a shuddering breath, trying to hold back his tears.

"That's not the same, love. And I won't ask you to do it. If you want immortality, I won't be the one performing the ritual. I can't do this to you. Why do you even want it so much? Why can't a life time with me just be enough?"

"Because I will grow old and ugly. And you will look out for someone younger, more beautiful. And even if you don't, you will have to watch me die. And eventually, after some years have passed, you will forget about me. You will find someone else and just forget about me."

"Alec, I'd never be able to forget you! You are the one love of my life and I think that means something from an eight hundred year old warlock who has been with his fair share of human and partly human beings."

"So what if what you say is true? What do you want to do once I'm dead, if you really can't get over me? Do you want to spend the rest of eternity on your own? As much as I hate to imagine you with anyone else, I feel even worse thinking you'd be forever alone just because of me."

At this, Alec averted his eyes once more and got up from the couch.

"You should really sleep, you look exhausted. Do you want to stay on the couch or do you want to settle for the bedroom?"

Magnus, still confused at this sudden change of subject in his dizzied state, just stared at Alec.

"It's not like I'm able to walk to the bedroom."

"I could carry you."

"And where do you plan on staying?"

"Well, with you of course."

"I thought you're mad at me because I don't want to make you immortal."

"I am. Well, a bit at least. But I want to remember every inch of you, just in case I don't have forever."

"Alec", Magnus mumbled as the Shadowhunter lifted him up and carried him into the bedroom. "I know what it feels like to have eternity and it still wouldn't be enough time to get my fill of you."


End file.
